claire_e

i woke up on the bathroom floor and knew things would never be the same...

for those who don't know me (which im guessing is 99% of you reading this), i am t's trusted friend, graphic designer and her occasional long-distance assistant (as ive come to call it) of almost 3 years.  oh, and one more thing i forgot to mention:  we've never met. 

how's that for a story?  i know, right?  it all happened one late december 2004.  it actually began much earlier than that a few months back when i decided to finally deal with a traumatic experience (refer to last blog) that had chosen to unrepress so much of itself when i turned 20.  long story short (again, details to be revealed in EGP blogs), the intense pressure from the day-in day-out committment of facing it and the devastating news of the tsunami that hit indonesia had pushed me to seizure on the bathroom floor that day after christmas.  after a few seconds staring blankly at the toilet in front of me, i regained my orientation and noticed that my cheek was not supposed to be against the floor.  the last thing i remembered was washing my hands in the sink and in the blink of an eye i was where i was.  turns out that i had been out for a good couple of minutes and according to the doctor i saw the next day, the reason i had taken so long to come to was because of the way my head was positioned when i fell - it had taken a longer time for enough oxygen to reach my brain.  it freaked me out to think that a slight deviation in my head position couldve made it so that oxygen would not reach my brain in time...and i wouldve disappeared from the world with the simple act of washing my hands.

before this, i had never had anything remotely close to this happen - ive managed to stay relatively healthy my entire life - thank God.  as cliche as the saying "in the blink of an eye..." goes, it was unpleasant that i now knew unmistakably/unforgettably how it felt.  but not one to be handed a simple ending to a story, i would have to wait it out a full month until they ran some tests to figure out the cause of such an abnormal infliction to my life pattern.  the result could be as minimal as a fainting spell or as extensive as cancer.  so, i had a full month of not-knowing and if this feeling has ever happened to you in any life situation, then you know exactly what i mean when i say that an intense degree of unknown forces us to come to terms with a lot that we used to struggle with.  after a few days of being so unwilling to do anything other than thinking about how afraid i was of the result,  clarity searched my soul one night...and i accepted what it could be and that i was ready to live my life with it inspiring every purpose i would take on from here on out.  suddenly, whatever question that i've ever had about happiness revealed its many ways in only one true answer:  do something.  life is graced with every blink of an eye and i did not want to waste another minute of life wondering why something had to happen to me.

at the same time, i was just getting into the whole myspace thing when i was shown tila's myspace.  i had no idea who she was but i read through her profile and was instantly taken by her nature...as was predicted by the one who told me about her in the first place when he said, "i have a feeling you'll get each other.  you guys seem to have the same outlook in life - only you're more inward."  with "do something" still reverberating in my mind, i went ahead and designed something for her...a myspace page.  she liked it and we excitedly put it up.  it was taken down immediately afterwards because i didn't know that different browsers rendered code differently :/  that and I had naively offered to host her pictures which exceeded my bandwidth in a day and a half lol.  you only get one chance to impress right?  i thought i messed mine up when that happened, until she messaged me not long after to work on more and more things.  Now soon to be 3 years worth of things.

had it not been for t's presence in my life and her persistence to keep me with her while she dreamt her big dreams, i dont know if i'd be able to stand as strongly as i am before you guys with proof to tell you that the trauma i held onto for years is now something i feel unquestionably blessed to have gone through.

So when she told me her aspirations for EGP I jumped on it immediately because what she sets out to do with EGP, she did just that with me.  and I want people to know that.  even to this day…even if we have yet to meet for the very first time.  from her fashion line, to her myspace, to itunes or whatever else she sets her mind to…she’s shared her audience with me.  it is an absolute dream to create designs that so many people see and tie-in to who she is.  she IS what launched me into this professional world of graphic design.  i mean, i still don't even consider myself a professional but still she faithfully stands by me when professionals come knocking.  i must admit, that i used to be worried that "oh, once she hits it big time, she'll forget all about me."  not true when she hit 800,000 friends.  or 1 million.  or her landed a cover on stuff.  maxim.  or a feature in rollingstone.  time magazine.  or reached #1 on itunes.  or hit 2million friends.  or has her own tv show on mtv.  yeah, if that doesn't say "stop asking that question" then i must be an idiot.  despite all the reasons she could change, this girl has never changed with me and I admire her so much for that.

to trust someone whom you’ve never met and keep her a part of your successes…doesn’t that just blow your mind?  It does mine…everyday.

You know I love you immensely t and thanks for sticking by me :)

do you ever wonder about what you were doing and who you appear to be in the memories other people have of you? 

i am thinking about this guy i see every once in a while during bright sunny days.  he lingers on the sidewalk by the same stoplight in one of the busiest streets of the city where i live.  dressed like a runner he sweats like one as he holds a sign pointing to some nearby store.  this sign bounces and his teeth radiates from this bobbling head as he sings with the white cords that hang from his ears.  and i think to myself...no...i know...that he is someone i will remember my entire life even if i will never know why he is always so happy to be holding that heavy sign under the hot afternoon sun.  because i am in awe at the simplicity of his joy.  because i am in awe at how easy it is for him to make me smile even when i have no clue who this stranger actually is and he has know clue that i have him memorized.

this internet thing is so vast and I have a vague nearly non-existent idea of everyone im reaching with this page.  but im not some naïve girl that just posts stuff about herself on here without the worry that i may be sharing too much of myself.  i worry.  ive had certain life experiences that give me a good reason to be afraid to do that...trust me.  yet here's the thing.  i aspire to be that guy i see in the street on bright sunny days.  a person who people i may never know can pass by and see someone who doesn't treat a moment like an entire life that's veiled in the scary stuff, even when in all honesty it is.  ive always believed our individual role as part of the human race is to be a chameleon.  not so much in its simplicity to blend, but rather its tenacity towards its purpose.  that is, to take the best of its environment so that it becomes a part of something bigger and more beautifully distracting than the intentions of a single threat.

"Well relationships change,
Oh I think it's kinda strange,
How money makes a man grow.
Some people they claim,
If you get enough fame,
You live over the rainbow.
Over the rainbow..

But the people on the street,
Out on buses or on feet,
We all got the same blood flow.
Oh, in society,
Every dollar got a deed,
We all need a place so we can go,
And feel over the rainbow"

- Amos Lee, Keep It Loose Keep It Tight